All Good Things Come To An End

I was driving my daughter home and we were chatting along and singing along to the radio and generally having a good time. Nelly Furtado's "All good things come to an end" came on the radio and my daughter slumped into state of mellancholy complete with seven year old pout. After some coaxing and ten songs later, she said ... "It is just like that song Mum, all good things come to an end."

I found myself saying that yes that is true, because the cycle of life continues and things have to die before new things can begin. I know I was talking to myself more than to my daughter.

This year past year has been hard, but no more than I allowed. Do all good things come to an end? Only if you think you were meant to have something or someone forever. We can never own another heart or person, but are gifted with a shared journey that gives great strength and encouragement while shining a light on those areas of weakness that need to be dealt with. There is not just "one good thing", thank God, but many.

I loved you first ...

My sweetest downfall...



I am not writing much lately. I have been working hard on my next project. Mostly though, I have been a woman without her lover, a mother without her child, and a girl lost somewhere in a new beginning. I am always the strong one, so forgive me a moment while I fall down.

My sweetest downfall ... so beautiful, so true, and as always ... "Samson goes back to bed, with not much hair upon his head, ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed." Can men really jettison the heart so easily??? I often feel like I am trying to throw mine up, but cut it off? No.

My Dad, did it again.

Over my lifetime my father and I have been best of friends and adversaries, depending on the point of view.

As we have both grown up, we have greater tolerance of each other and make room for each other.

Dad's new post on his Prodigal Sons, Daughters and Parents blog ... resonates deep. "Just Can't Live Here Any Longer" was a read that left me facing the mirror but more importantly in understanding and ultimately finding forgiveness on both sides. Much love.

Crashing Down

Raven, the tears are sitting right behind your eyes. Why don't you let it go.

Just cry.

I know that it is there, I just can't cry. I don't know what it will take. To finally be in my own space, close the door and breathe long and deep.

What a year. I said goodbye to my husband, my friend. I headed over to the USA and began ... something. It was aborted by circumstances out of my control. Home again. The only thing that made sense. A genuine prodigal return, tail between my legs.

Here now, among friends, the family that love, defend, protect and hold you close while you recover.

My heart can't take too many more beatings. I have quit for a while. All in, all out just isn't working for me.

There is far more grey in this world than we ever care to admit.

Complicated ... well that is normal for me. Oh, there, I can feel the tears ... crashing down.

Truth or Dare

Telling the truth is sometimes the hardest thing that we ever have to ask ourselves to do. Whether we are sharing with another or we are listening to our own self-talk.

Being disillusioned, stuck, lifeless, depressed and even just bored these are valid states of mind we experience. They are real. But they don't need to stick around. If you are going through a bad time just keep on moving, don't camp, don't buy real estate in the place you are ... you will come out the other side if you keep moving.

Take note of your self-talk and keep it in check.

You will realise the reality you imagine. Imagine good things for yourself. Love yourself. You can't expect anyone else to love you unless you love yourself first. I dare you.

Great and Ruinous Lovers

"Lancelot and Guinevere.
Tristan and Isolde.
Siegfried and Brunnhilde.
Romeo and Juliet.
Cathy and Heathcliffe.
Vita and Violet.
Oscar and Bosie.
Burton and Taylor.
Abelard and Heloise.
Paolo and Francesca.

There are many more. This is a list you can write yourself. Some are greater than others. Some more ruinous. Some tales have been told many times, others privately and by letter. Love's script has no end of beginnings. The characters and the scenerary change.

There are three possible endings: Revenge. Tragedy. Forgiveness."

Jeanette Winterson - The PowerBook

In each day we are presented a choice. I choose forgiveness. I will not lose my life to tragedy, nor will I sell my soul to revenge.

We are so often obsessed with where a relationship is going that we forget to enjoy the present. The gift of now. The ache reminds us that we do care. And we do. You can never own another. You can only share.

"hi mum, I'm in the middle of playing soccer, can I call you back another day!"

Have been having a hard few days. I have been missing my daughter very much and her recent tears and performance has only added to the ache. It is funny how kids manipulate. They know us better than we could ever know them. My daughter went from floods of tears and "mum, I want to live with you" one day and "hi mum, I'm in the middle of playing soccer, can I call you back another day!" the next. Keeping up with the whirlwind of emotions is intense.

Much of the pain comes from not having answers for her questions and as much as I need to get on with my own life and that does include separation from her, I still can't think of one good reason to be away from her.

Mummy loves you baby!! xoxo

Space

While in Melbourne with my good friends the topic of my long distance relationship came up often. My friends had met my beautiful boy and couldn't understand how I could stand to be without him. By far the best quote in response to my comment "but I like my space" was "Is the Pacific Ocean enough space for you?". Thanks Simon.

Ok, so I jumped .... now where is my parachute???

So the last post wasn't really in 'english' .... I know. It is some kind of emotional gibberish that fell out of my behind prior to boarding yet another flight, did I tell you I love UNITED airlines! I really can't promise that this post will be any easier to follow. I just got back into Sydney early this morning.



I am in love. There I said it. I can't believe it. Sheryl Crow wrote a song about me - all of them. If there is a hard way to do something you know I am going to find it. I am talking major long-distance-relationship! I have made my jump ... now where the hell is my parachute???

The kind of loving feeling that comes with the well-worn waves of jet lag. Yes I am in love with a man who lives on the other side of the ocean and who has fast-tracked my frequent flyer status and made even a walk down a 'red carpet' seem routine.

We said 'bye' again last night ... hence my blah post. It isn't getting any easier. To leave, to wave, to be brave, to be alone, to hold it all together. The truth may be that we have more chance apart, living the ache, knowing the weight of the love we share, than we may if we were living under the same roof of domestic blah! Domestos really does nothing for the libido!

Why is the measure of love ... loss?

"Articulacy of fingers, the language of the deaf and dumb, signing on the body body longing. Who taught you to write in blood on my back? Who taught you to use your hands as branding irons? You have scored your name into my shoulders, referenced me with your mark. The pads of your fingers have become printing blocks, you tap a message on to my skin, tap meaning into my body. Your Morse code interferes with my heart beat. I had a steady heart before I met you, I relied upon it, it had seen active service and grown strong. Now you alter its pace with your own rhythm, you play upon me, drumming me taut." Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body

My heart is so full and I feel I can barely breathe. I miss you already my beautiful boy.

It is hard to write when every word, a knife, cuts through me. I am open to the journey, I have faith in the cause and hope that it all works out. What will be will be.

Why is it the absence that uncovers the weight of love?