Here Puss Puss

I am babysitting my 3 year old nephew for a few days in a house where a cat normally lives. Day two, I notice the cat is missing. I look at the 3 year old and say "What happened to the cat?" "She rund away", came the response ... I actually thought "My God, what has he done to the cat!

A quick phone call to my sister and after much hysterical laughter (they automatically assumed that I had concluded my nephew had 'damaged' the cat) all was well ... the cat was boarding!!!

The cat lives. Damn!

"hi mum, I'm in the middle of playing soccer, can I call you back another day!"

Have been having a hard few days. I have been missing my daughter very much and her recent tears and performance has only added to the ache. It is funny how kids manipulate. They know us better than we could ever know them. My daughter went from floods of tears and "mum, I want to live with you" one day and "hi mum, I'm in the middle of playing soccer, can I call you back another day!" the next. Keeping up with the whirlwind of emotions is intense.

Much of the pain comes from not having answers for her questions and as much as I need to get on with my own life and that does include separation from her, I still can't think of one good reason to be away from her.

Mummy loves you baby!! xoxo

Lost and Running

At the airport again. On this occasion to wave goodbye to my boy again. It has to be good that it hurts. It has to mean something that when he leaves I feel sad, empty and the weight of loss. We flirted with our meetings this week. He was not here to visit me, but I was lucky enough to share some time and space with him and for that I am blessed.


I got home and downloaded Powderfinger's new single 'lost and running' to my ipod. You can listen to the song and watch the video at their myspace page here.



Lost And Running

Oh I was sick and tired of waiting lost
And you were mad at me for so much more
I was bored listening to the same old chords
You would complain that I was never around

And we shouldn't hope
No we shouldn't hope
If love is so easy then why am I stuck
If life is so smooth why can't I get enough

Oh I'm still lost and running
I can't get enough
No I'm still lost and running
I can't get enough

Oh every day moves like a hurricane
It's dragging me around no matter what I say
Night time in the city streets I'm out of luck
The cobblestones are dark and wet there's no one I trust

And it comes around
Yeah it comes around
Missed it so easy say where have you gone
I'm looking for somewhere I can lay down my arms

Oh I'm still lost and running
I can't get enough
No I'm still lost and running
I can't get enough
No I'm still lost and running
Somewhere I lay down my arms
Oh I'm still lost and running
I can't get enough

I'm taking my time I let it float away
Telling my lies and you got nothing to say
The further we slip into this rabbit hole
the harder we look for a new place to go

Oh I'm still lost and running
I can't get enough
No I'm still lost and running
I can't get enough
No I'm still lost and running
Somewhere I lay down my arms
Oh I'm still lost and running
I can't get enough

(I'm still lost and running)
Well the harder we look
(I'm still lost and running)
For a new place to go
(I'm still lost and running)
Yeah the harder we look
(I'm still lost and running)
For a new place to go

(I'm still lost and running)
You can't lay there in my arms
(I'm still lost and running)
You can't lay there in my arms I'm still lost and running

I have a birthday coming up ... very soon!! What I want ... tickets to the Powderfinger Show 30th May, Four Seasons Hotel, Grand Ballroom ... on sale 11th May!!! Here's Hoping! (And I shouldn't Hope)

Ode To Meaning - Robert Pinsky

I discovered Robert Pinsky when I was 21. I bought a copy of "History of my Heart". While I am sure the history of my heart would differ from his ... the recognition of pain is something that is universal.

The Robert Pinksy poem Ode To Meaning. Leaves me without anything much to say, just awe.


Ode To Meaning.

Dire one and desired one,
Savior, sentencer--

In an old allegory you would carry
A chained alphabet of tokens:

Ankh Badge Cross.
Dragon,
Engraved figure guarding a hallowed intaglio,
Jasper kinema of legendary Mind,
Naked omphalos pierced
By quills of rhyme or sense, torah-like: unborn
Vein of will, xenophile
Yearning out of Zero.

Untrusting I court you. Wavering
I seek your face, I read
That Crusoe's knife
Reeked of you, that to defile you
The soldier makes the rabbi spit on the torah.
"I'll drown my book" says Shakespeare.

Drowned walker, revenant.
After my mother fell on her head, she became
More than ever your sworn enemy. She spoke
Sometimes like a poet or critic of forty years later.
Or she spoke of the world as Thersites spoke of the heroes,
"I think they have swallowed one another. I
Would laugh at that miracle."

You also in the laughter, warrior angel:
Your helmet the zodiac, rocket-plumed
Your spear the beggar's finger pointing to the mouth
Your heel planted on the serpent Formulation
Your face a vapor, the wreath of cigarette smoke crowning
Bogart as he winces through it.

You not in the words, not even
Between the words, but a torsion,
A cleavage, a stirring.

You stirring even in the arctic ice,
Even at the dark ocean floor, even
In the cellular flesh of a stone.
Gas. Gossamer. My poker friends
Question your presence
In a poem by me, passing the magazine
One to another.

Not the stone and not the words, you
Like a veil over Arthur's headstone,
The passage from Proverbs he chose
While he was too ill to teach
And still well enough to read, I was
Beside the master craftsman
Delighting him day after day, ever
At play in his presence--you

A soothing veil of distraction playing over
Dying Arthur playing in the hospital,
Thumbing the Bible, fuzzy from medication,
Ever courting your presence,
And you the prognosis,
You in the cough.

Gesturer, when is your spur, your cloud?
You in the airport rituals of greeting and parting.
Indicter, who is your claimant?
Bell at the gate. Spiderweb iron bridge.
Cloak, video, aroma, rue, what is your
Elected silence, where was your seed?

What is Imagination
But your lost child born to give birth to you?

Dire one. Desired one.
Savior, sentencer--

Absence,
Or presence ever at play:
Let those scorn you who never
Starved in your dearth. If I
Dare to disparage
Your harp of shadows I taste
Wormwood and motor oil, I pour
Ashes on my head. You are the wound. You
Be the medicine.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer

Sun Tzu ... the great military strategist is credited with the authorship of the title.

I do not seek to implement it often, as I have few enemies.

I do however cast doubt over the intentions of the enemies of my closest friends when hostility melts into pleasantry. My senses are raised, my anxiety increased because, I sense imminent cruelty.

I have great love and loyalty for my friends. Be well. Be safe.

Marriage is a Lie!!

I don’t believe in domestic life. I know that it works for some people, but it does not work for me. You are attracted to a person, you fall in love, you make love, you enjoy sharing your lives … then you live together or get married and live together and then all the attraction and passion turns into a daily struggle of going to work, paying bills, saving and trying to amass material wealth. Relationship becomes a routine argument over whose turn it is to clean the toilet or the boredom of the daily “what do you want to do for dinner” phone call.

Many people are unhappy in their relationship not because of what the other person does or does not do, but because they have not achieved their own personal goals that were put on hold or aborted due to the responsibility of relationship. Which does seem odd given that you both individually paid your own way prior to the relationship.

We cannot put our life on layby. We have been given today. The choice is to live or to be a slave to circumstance. Do you think you might enjoy each other more if you had some space to achieve your own dreams, clean up your own mess, socialise with your other friends and enjoy the companionship of your lover who you have both made time to specifically be with and appreciate.

I am not saying don't get married, I am saying you will appreciate and respect each other more if you do not live together.

When all your worlds collide

You know what I mean ... When you are busy getting on with your new job, relationship, in a new state, country whatever and you walk straight into someone who reminds you that you used to have a really bad perm back in the 80's, except that bad perm was actually a bad relationship, a career as an exotic dancer or the fact that you were the high school goodie two shoes jesus crispy. What is the appropriate course of action? Do you ignore the person? If they say something to you do you go into denial ... "I think you have me confused with someone else?"

I was given some good advice for when your past catches up with you ... "always be prepared to answer any question with Yes, but it's not what I'm doing now. I am ..."

The fact is that the world is getting smaller and the degrees of separation are closing in. It's not all about personal heartache and trivial misdemeanors ... we are also much closer to global tragedy Farmer Ted has a great perspective on this. Have a read.