I loved you first ...

My sweetest downfall...



I am not writing much lately. I have been working hard on my next project. Mostly though, I have been a woman without her lover, a mother without her child, and a girl lost somewhere in a new beginning. I am always the strong one, so forgive me a moment while I fall down.

My sweetest downfall ... so beautiful, so true, and as always ... "Samson goes back to bed, with not much hair upon his head, ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed." Can men really jettison the heart so easily??? I often feel like I am trying to throw mine up, but cut it off? No.

God Is Not An Asshole

Thanks to It's Me...Maven .... I discovered God is not an Asshole.

Not sure I get it or want to get much of the content of this site. But I did have great joy sharing the image of Jesus smacking George Bush in the head with my Grandmother, who added "It would be even better if it was John Howard, can you get someone to do that?"

Someone????? Can you make Jesus smack John Howard in the head for my grandmother ... go on, show off, I know someone out there can do it.

Life For Rent

Dido sang a beautiful song some years ago now. Life for rent, it has always been my song. I don't own much but I own more suitcases than anyone else I know.

I am free and living simply. Gone are the penthouse apartments, the spa retreat holidays, gone are the high earnings and prestige and what remains ... "if my life is for rent, and I don't learn to buy, I deserve nothing more than I get, because nothing I have is truly mine."

I am still scrubbing my apartment. It may take years to get it all clean. Grime, OK ... I get it. Insect crap ... I get it. Pubic hair ... ick!!! I didn't even think people had pubic hair in 2007. Wax, shave, clip, laser ... do something.

My best girlfriend helped me in my cleaning efforts. She, being the martyr, picked all the worst jobs, like the shower, the toilet and the kitchen. Leaving me to scrub walls, skirting boards and cupboards.

Thank you sweetheart for all your help.

Crackberry insanity

For all the technology we have, it can leave us undone. So reliant on that mobile phone, internet connection, and immediate communication that god forbid all of the above fails and you end up with a relationship meltdown or a business crisis.

I left my phone charger in a hotel. Which would be fine if I had bought yet another nokia .... however my blackberry is rather precious, and like many addicts of technology, curse the day the damn thing ever entered my life. Like now.

So now, I defer to my least favorite means of communication ... skype. But the people I know aren't dragging their laptops around close to their ear, all a girl can do is leave a message. Leave a message ... like in the old days. I even called a friend at a hotel and they said they'd slip a message under the door! What is with that?

So short of sending smoke signals ... which is probably illegal everywhere by now, I am left to wait by the phone. Or not, seeing it is out of battery and has no chance of reviving itself until tomorrow when I go and buy yet another charger. Rah!

Don't You Need To Be Forgiven

I have been so angry lately ... I found that when I got all the rant out, I am really no better off, on no higher ground than anyone or anything I am angry at.

I love this song by Michael Lord. Please listen. It is beautiful.

Forgiven

When It's Time for a New Beginning

I have been back home visiting my parents. I love being here. It is so quiet and peaceful. My phone doesn't work. My Mum feeds me far too well. My Dad keeps me up talking till all hours of the morning. My Grandmother is a rock.

Mum gave me a card today in light of recent times. Damn it. Tears again.

When It's Time for a New Beginning...

You need faith. That things will be better.
You need strength.
And you'll find it within.
You need patience and persistence.
You need hope, and you need
to keep it close to the centre of
everything that means the most to you.

You need to put things in perspective.
So much of your life lies ahead!
You need to know
how good it can be.
You need to take the best of
what you've learned from the old,
and bring it to the beautiful days
of a new journey.

Life's new beginnings happen for
very special reasons. When it's time
to move on, remember that it
really is okay. Because when a new
beginning unfolds in the story of
your life, you go such a long way
toward making the dreams
of your tomorrows
come true.

Douglas Pagels, Blue Mountain Arts

My Dad, did it again.

Over my lifetime my father and I have been best of friends and adversaries, depending on the point of view.

As we have both grown up, we have greater tolerance of each other and make room for each other.

Dad's new post on his Prodigal Sons, Daughters and Parents blog ... resonates deep. "Just Can't Live Here Any Longer" was a read that left me facing the mirror but more importantly in understanding and ultimately finding forgiveness on both sides. Much love.

Crashing Down

Raven, the tears are sitting right behind your eyes. Why don't you let it go.

Just cry.

I know that it is there, I just can't cry. I don't know what it will take. To finally be in my own space, close the door and breathe long and deep.

What a year. I said goodbye to my husband, my friend. I headed over to the USA and began ... something. It was aborted by circumstances out of my control. Home again. The only thing that made sense. A genuine prodigal return, tail between my legs.

Here now, among friends, the family that love, defend, protect and hold you close while you recover.

My heart can't take too many more beatings. I have quit for a while. All in, all out just isn't working for me.

There is far more grey in this world than we ever care to admit.

Complicated ... well that is normal for me. Oh, there, I can feel the tears ... crashing down.

Divine Interventions ... Adults Only

Writing this blog, I am often sent random items from readers and friends well intentioned re: my subject matter. A friend of mine, with beautiful red hair sent me this item. At first I thought ... rah, I can't put THAT on my site ... but hey, who said crispie was easily digested. I decided not to censor myself and well ... dodge the lightening bolts. If you are even slightly religious, give this one a miss ... you may just lose your lunch.

Divine interventions make adult toys shaped as, how can I put this ... religious icons. Not quite the trinity, but Jesus, The Devil and even Judas is there in 'good measure'. Either Catholic school has a lot to answer for or this has to be a bad case of Preacher's Kid rage. More guts than I. Proceed with caution, this one even tops Jesus Dress Up.

Come On The World Is Waiting For You

When did we grow up? When did we have to start living on our own. When did we become the parents? When did we become the parents of our parents? We always thought that there would be a point when we would know what we are doing. One day that everything would just fall into place.

Today I was somewhere between the fear and adrenalin, knowing that I'm on the edge of the cliff and I will have to jump. As always I was distracted by people I care about facing fears of their own. In crisis we can be surrounded by all who love us and still feel alone.

I did take my jump, and what do you know, I landed on my feet. I would never have known if I hadn't made the attempt. Come on the World is waiting for you.

I am listening to this song from Redruth, "spend another day". I love the line

"...When you live face down in a world inside your head"