How do I live without you?

I don't really know my love. Another year lived. Another hope to come. My sweet thing, I live for the day that you come home. One day you will know that you have been with me every day, every second ... never far from my thoughts and always carried in my heart. My child I love you. xoxo

Keeping Jesus Company

I spoke on the phone with my daughter today and she said to me "Mummy, you are always with me." I replied with "yes, darling ... in your heart." She responded with "Yes, Mummy, with Jesus. Someone has to keep him company."

Dying from laughter.

Jesus Affiliate Program

This was posted under the title "The Hardest Way To Make Money Online". Obviously written by someone who doesn't know how the politics of denominations work... that 10% runs the length of the pyramid.

Elusive

Have you ever had an elusive friend? I have one that I seem to cross once every four years. Tonight, for whatever reason I sent a text message stating: "If you knew then what you know now ... Would you let your life escape you?"

I hit send without agenda.

I receive a response. Much to my amazement. "Good question". It in all likelyhood will be all I will hear from him for the next few years.

(no ... not true It was good to hear from you.)

All Good Things Come To An End

I was driving my daughter home and we were chatting along and singing along to the radio and generally having a good time. Nelly Furtado's "All good things come to an end" came on the radio and my daughter slumped into state of mellancholy complete with seven year old pout. After some coaxing and ten songs later, she said ... "It is just like that song Mum, all good things come to an end."

I found myself saying that yes that is true, because the cycle of life continues and things have to die before new things can begin. I know I was talking to myself more than to my daughter.

This year past year has been hard, but no more than I allowed. Do all good things come to an end? Only if you think you were meant to have something or someone forever. We can never own another heart or person, but are gifted with a shared journey that gives great strength and encouragement while shining a light on those areas of weakness that need to be dealt with. There is not just "one good thing", thank God, but many.

Are you from the olden days?

Children have a habit of putting you in your place whether you know it or not.

It is school holidays and I am enjoying spending time with my daughter. We were talking about dvds and videos and she commented about how dvds take up less space. I made the mistake of saying that videos were new and wonderful when I was her age. "Mummy, are you from the olden days?" Someone kill me now PLEase!!!

Enjoy your children.

1980's flashback

She who knows me too well, sent me this viral email about growing up in the 1980's and early 90's. While reminiscing about snap bracelets, spokey dokeys and Bon Jovi may have been a humorous trip down memory lane, it did spark the thought of what would be my "crispy in the 80's" list.

1. Backmasking - it really is hard to beat Queen, "another one bites the dust" ... "it's fun to smoke marijuana" I lost too many hours in my life being dragged along to these type of meetings. Rah!! Very Crispy.

2. Tammy Faye Baker. Enough said.

3. Prosperity Gospel

4. Teen Ranch - (christian camp)

5. Youth Group

6. ET was satantic ... but so was everything else that annoyed my mother ... like WHAM!

7. Television evangelists

8. Stryper - big hair, makeup and Lycra ... and a television debate with Rev. Fred Nile ... priceless.

9. Vengeance ... the christian extreme metal band who's most noted song had lyrics resembling ... "I want my head chopped off ... Salvation."

10. Demon behind every tree theology makes it easy to blame the devil for every lapse of personal judgement.

My list really isn't as fun as my girlfriend's

I don't know who the originating author of this 80's viral email... if you know let me know so I can give credit.

You Know You Grew Up In The 80's if:
1. You used to buy cassette singles… and still have some stashed somewhere…
2. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton
3. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
4. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
5. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls (or your sister did).
6. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom
7. Two words: Hammer Pants
8. You watched "Fraggle Rock".
9. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and spokey-dokies or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect
10. You watched "Duck Tales" (Woo ooh!)
11. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
12. You (your sister, cousins) wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
13. You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen..and still know the turtles names.
14. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
16. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
17. L.A. Gear....need I say more?
18. You remember reading Tales of a fourth grade nothing and all the other Judy Blume books.
19. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"
20. You wanted to be a Goonie.
21. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us...head-to-toe)
22. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
23. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
24. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
25. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.
26. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
27. Barbie and the Rockers was your favourite band.
28. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.
29. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
30. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"
31. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
32. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
33. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
34. You have ever played with a Skip-It or Elastix
35. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
36. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
37. Don't worry, be happy
38. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
39. You wore socks scrunched down
40. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
41. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.
42. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"
43. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and & My Little Pony Tales
44. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.
45. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
46. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB"
47. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.
48. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.
49. You just sang those words to yourself.
50. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.
51. Homemade Levi shorts.. (the shorter the better)
52. You remember when mullets were cool!
53. You had a mullet!
54. You still sing "We are the World"
55. You tight rolled your jeans.
56. You owned a bannana clip.
57. You used to (and probably still do)
say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
58. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
59. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!
PASS THIS ON TO ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS WHO GREW UP IN THE 80s or Early 90s!!!
ROCK ON!!!

Tech Support

I had a frustrating day today. I was trying to solve a database related problem. I trawled through the manuals and couldn't find what I was after ...so I get on the phone to the tech support. I ask a simple question, to which the response was "That is a very good question!" "Hmmm, let me see ... yes ... no ... in fact definitely no. You can't do that with our system." I looked down to the day calendar that I had written the support phone number on. I read the quote for the day and couldn't help but laugh.

"Do not rely completely on any other human being, however dear. We meet all life's greatest tests alone." Agnes MacPhail.

Shine

Ok, so I have been filing all my sad music for another time and place. There is only so much Amy Winehouse a girl can bear before life is unbearable ... and she is the one with the drugs!

When I was culling ... I found this old time fav. I believe that Mr Big had an amazing hit with this song "shine" written by Richie Kotzen. It feels good to me right now.

Depression

Some of you know that I have been battling depression for a long time now. And of all the monkeys to kick this one truely sucks. People who care about you are waiting for you to just "snap out of it" and the pressure to put on a happy face and deny what is really going on is unbearable. I have seen therapists, taken anti-depressants, read a million books ...

I had a coffee with a friend, he gave me a book ... Set Yourself Free by Shirley Smith. I know I could have thought, here we go with another book, but my meeting with my friend was so real, so honest ... I knew that he is being changed by whatever it is he is doing, and for the better.

In the meantime, so over the constant sadness and misery I started really looking at my diet. I am now making sure I get all my fruit and veges each day and taking my vitamins etc. which are easily overlooked when you live alone.

I have started to feel better.

So I started reading that book. I have just begun but I know that there is life there. I often talk a good game when inside I am desperately unhappy. I'll let you know how I progess.

My Girl

I am in Sydney. I am spending the day with my daughter. If you ask her how old she is she will say ... "I am six, but very soon to be seven." She is talking so much and I am amazed at the vocab. Her movement control in her dancing is outstanding and she has spent most of the day jumping rope ... I can't help but wonder how so much could change in such a short time. For anyone who is the non-custodial parent I am sure you get it. You are just the other person, not in your child's eyes but in your own.

She is bright, brave and beautiful.

I feel lucky that I had the opportunity to carry her in my womb for nine months.

Girl, you are a rockstar. Don't doubt it.

The Dreams You Dare To Live

I have been asked many questions in the past week. Many of those questions resulted in the simple answer of "if you don't ask, you don't get."

If we live our lives determined to avoid pain, heartache and disappointment ... we risk losing the greatest attainment of all ... a life well lived.

"You're only as big as the dreams you dare to live." anonymous.

Some people spend all their life saying if only ... i could have ... i should have ... but then there is you and me. The ones that dare to jump into the fire. The ones that stand up for one more round with the taste of blood in the mouth. The ones that don't quit, don't betray, and in that resilience find the only reward there is ... a life well lived.

Leave some room for yourself

In being alone we leave enough room for ourselves ... to think, to create, to just be and breathe.

I loved you first ...

My sweetest downfall...



I am not writing much lately. I have been working hard on my next project. Mostly though, I have been a woman without her lover, a mother without her child, and a girl lost somewhere in a new beginning. I am always the strong one, so forgive me a moment while I fall down.

My sweetest downfall ... so beautiful, so true, and as always ... "Samson goes back to bed, with not much hair upon his head, ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed." Can men really jettison the heart so easily??? I often feel like I am trying to throw mine up, but cut it off? No.

God Is Not An Asshole

Thanks to It's Me...Maven .... I discovered God is not an Asshole.

Not sure I get it or want to get much of the content of this site. But I did have great joy sharing the image of Jesus smacking George Bush in the head with my Grandmother, who added "It would be even better if it was John Howard, can you get someone to do that?"

Someone????? Can you make Jesus smack John Howard in the head for my grandmother ... go on, show off, I know someone out there can do it.

Life For Rent

Dido sang a beautiful song some years ago now. Life for rent, it has always been my song. I don't own much but I own more suitcases than anyone else I know.

I am free and living simply. Gone are the penthouse apartments, the spa retreat holidays, gone are the high earnings and prestige and what remains ... "if my life is for rent, and I don't learn to buy, I deserve nothing more than I get, because nothing I have is truly mine."

I am still scrubbing my apartment. It may take years to get it all clean. Grime, OK ... I get it. Insect crap ... I get it. Pubic hair ... ick!!! I didn't even think people had pubic hair in 2007. Wax, shave, clip, laser ... do something.

My best girlfriend helped me in my cleaning efforts. She, being the martyr, picked all the worst jobs, like the shower, the toilet and the kitchen. Leaving me to scrub walls, skirting boards and cupboards.

Thank you sweetheart for all your help.

Crackberry insanity

For all the technology we have, it can leave us undone. So reliant on that mobile phone, internet connection, and immediate communication that god forbid all of the above fails and you end up with a relationship meltdown or a business crisis.

I left my phone charger in a hotel. Which would be fine if I had bought yet another nokia .... however my blackberry is rather precious, and like many addicts of technology, curse the day the damn thing ever entered my life. Like now.

So now, I defer to my least favorite means of communication ... skype. But the people I know aren't dragging their laptops around close to their ear, all a girl can do is leave a message. Leave a message ... like in the old days. I even called a friend at a hotel and they said they'd slip a message under the door! What is with that?

So short of sending smoke signals ... which is probably illegal everywhere by now, I am left to wait by the phone. Or not, seeing it is out of battery and has no chance of reviving itself until tomorrow when I go and buy yet another charger. Rah!

Don't You Need To Be Forgiven

I have been so angry lately ... I found that when I got all the rant out, I am really no better off, on no higher ground than anyone or anything I am angry at.

I love this song by Michael Lord. Please listen. It is beautiful.

Forgiven

When It's Time for a New Beginning

I have been back home visiting my parents. I love being here. It is so quiet and peaceful. My phone doesn't work. My Mum feeds me far too well. My Dad keeps me up talking till all hours of the morning. My Grandmother is a rock.

Mum gave me a card today in light of recent times. Damn it. Tears again.

When It's Time for a New Beginning...

You need faith. That things will be better.
You need strength.
And you'll find it within.
You need patience and persistence.
You need hope, and you need
to keep it close to the centre of
everything that means the most to you.

You need to put things in perspective.
So much of your life lies ahead!
You need to know
how good it can be.
You need to take the best of
what you've learned from the old,
and bring it to the beautiful days
of a new journey.

Life's new beginnings happen for
very special reasons. When it's time
to move on, remember that it
really is okay. Because when a new
beginning unfolds in the story of
your life, you go such a long way
toward making the dreams
of your tomorrows
come true.

Douglas Pagels, Blue Mountain Arts

My Dad, did it again.

Over my lifetime my father and I have been best of friends and adversaries, depending on the point of view.

As we have both grown up, we have greater tolerance of each other and make room for each other.

Dad's new post on his Prodigal Sons, Daughters and Parents blog ... resonates deep. "Just Can't Live Here Any Longer" was a read that left me facing the mirror but more importantly in understanding and ultimately finding forgiveness on both sides. Much love.

Crashing Down

Raven, the tears are sitting right behind your eyes. Why don't you let it go.

Just cry.

I know that it is there, I just can't cry. I don't know what it will take. To finally be in my own space, close the door and breathe long and deep.

What a year. I said goodbye to my husband, my friend. I headed over to the USA and began ... something. It was aborted by circumstances out of my control. Home again. The only thing that made sense. A genuine prodigal return, tail between my legs.

Here now, among friends, the family that love, defend, protect and hold you close while you recover.

My heart can't take too many more beatings. I have quit for a while. All in, all out just isn't working for me.

There is far more grey in this world than we ever care to admit.

Complicated ... well that is normal for me. Oh, there, I can feel the tears ... crashing down.

Divine Interventions ... Adults Only

Writing this blog, I am often sent random items from readers and friends well intentioned re: my subject matter. A friend of mine, with beautiful red hair sent me this item. At first I thought ... rah, I can't put THAT on my site ... but hey, who said crispie was easily digested. I decided not to censor myself and well ... dodge the lightening bolts. If you are even slightly religious, give this one a miss ... you may just lose your lunch.

Divine interventions make adult toys shaped as, how can I put this ... religious icons. Not quite the trinity, but Jesus, The Devil and even Judas is there in 'good measure'. Either Catholic school has a lot to answer for or this has to be a bad case of Preacher's Kid rage. More guts than I. Proceed with caution, this one even tops Jesus Dress Up.

Come On The World Is Waiting For You

When did we grow up? When did we have to start living on our own. When did we become the parents? When did we become the parents of our parents? We always thought that there would be a point when we would know what we are doing. One day that everything would just fall into place.

Today I was somewhere between the fear and adrenalin, knowing that I'm on the edge of the cliff and I will have to jump. As always I was distracted by people I care about facing fears of their own. In crisis we can be surrounded by all who love us and still feel alone.

I did take my jump, and what do you know, I landed on my feet. I would never have known if I hadn't made the attempt. Come on the World is waiting for you.

I am listening to this song from Redruth, "spend another day". I love the line

"...When you live face down in a world inside your head"

Worry

I had a few wins today. It was nice, even if late.

I battle anxiety attacks. I literally make myself sick with worry. Brushing my teeth can be an ordeal.

I was sitting in a taxi on my way to meet a day full of appointments, I felt sick. I just wanted to crawl back into my bed, pull the covers over my head and say "get lost" to the world.

My phone rang. I have some good news for you ...

I could have died. All that I had been hoping and praying for realised, and I was still nauseous. Worry is a fruitless pass time. I haven't figured out how to stop it. Any ideas??

Friends

I am a loner much of the time. My friends are generally of the same disposition. We love catching up and sharing time together, but then we are happy to be on our way and do our own thing. What makes friends special is that they don't mind that you need to go walkabout or take a sabbatical. They get it. They can hear not a breath from you in 6-12 months and then still pick up and carry on where you left off. When I am going through stuff,I tend to internalise it. I like to crawl into my cave so to speak and leave the world to continue without me. This week has been huge for me. Change is happening. Change is good, but it isn't without cost. I am so far out of my comfort zone right now, I was so thrilled to receive a phone call from one of my dear friends I haven't seen for over a year, calling because he felt I needed a hug. I so did. Thank you Juddy.

How to eat

There was a chef I loved once.

He taught me to eat. You may scoff at such a necessity, but he truly did.

My parents had sent me to finishing school to learn how to use a knife, fork and place a napkin on my lap.

My chef taught me to taste; to experience food; to close my eyes and just eat without prejudice.

Many people enjoy some of the finest restaurants, but no matter where they are they always order the steak, or the fish, or the chicken.

There is nothing wrong with your choice. Part of being present in the moment is being willing to try new things, new tastes, new experiences. The discovery of Epicurean delights is a taurian paradise.

I am not suggesting that you become Anthony Bourdain.

But I do recommend that if you are ever in Perth ... drop in at Harvest Restaurant, Freemantle.

I'm getting too old for...

listening to people telling me that they are too old for ...

Note to self: stop referencing your age.

Jesus Floats

A while back I was reading this post from eicolab about Matt Siber's work. I was most amused by the Jesus sign from his 'floating logos' project.

I wish I had the luxury you do ...

I am often chided for having the "luxury of time" that others don't. The luxury of having the mid day snooze, the luxury of
having grocery shopping time, the luxury ... of well, everything that REAL working folks don't have.

I am afforded the luxuries of freelancing ... because I DON'T GET PAID each and every week. Get over it. You get to go to the hardware store on weekends and fantasise about your renovation. I get to count my twenty cent pieces and prepare them for banking on Monday.

The myth of freelancing is that it is fun. IT IS FUN. When you get paid.

Truth or Dare

Telling the truth is sometimes the hardest thing that we ever have to ask ourselves to do. Whether we are sharing with another or we are listening to our own self-talk.

Being disillusioned, stuck, lifeless, depressed and even just bored these are valid states of mind we experience. They are real. But they don't need to stick around. If you are going through a bad time just keep on moving, don't camp, don't buy real estate in the place you are ... you will come out the other side if you keep moving.

Take note of your self-talk and keep it in check.

You will realise the reality you imagine. Imagine good things for yourself. Love yourself. You can't expect anyone else to love you unless you love yourself first. I dare you.

Preacher's Magic Trick

Sometimes you just need a little help ...

This Ghanaian preacher thought he needed a whole lot of help and bought his higher power from the logal magic store.

You can read the whole story here:

Like Father Like Daughter ::: Like Daughter Like Father

Spending some time with my family over school holidays ... the blog bug bites. My Father has started his own prodigal journey in blog form.

Whilst educating my parents in technology is often weary, getting them started with blogging was so simple it was enjoyable for all of us.

School Holiday Heaven

It is school holidays and I am spending time with my daughter at my parent's farm. My grandmother was most amused by my daughter stating "GG, I am here to make you happy before you go to heaven!". In that moment, I nearly went to heaven ... I could have died from laughter.

Friendship

When every day ends in a why? What makes the difference between giving up and going on? For me it is those friends that promise nothing and therefore always exceed expectations. The room given to friends allows them to be close enough to give love and encouragement, and far enough away that control dynamics are minimized and objectivity can be introduced and respected rather than being seen as criticism.

I love my girls!

When is a private investigator not a very good one?

... when he gets sprung.

Ooops!!

The only kind of pet I should have ...

I have often said that I am not good with anything that breathes ... including plant matter. A girlfriend of mine sent me this little kitty and it is very therapeutic without getting cat hair all over me. Brilliant!

Loneliness and my other friends

My boyfriend lives in San Francisco, my flat mate works till 9pm+ each day, my best girlfriend lives in Melbourne and best male friend lives in Darwin. Others near and dear to me in Canberra, Perth, Brisbane and Adelaide … my family in far west NSW, even my sister on the other side of the bridge gets to be far away in Sydney terms.

We move on. Decided to move.

Mercy

Yesterday, my fav Jesus Crispie surprised me. Rev Hon Fred Nile raised an amendment to the brothels legislation amendment bill 2007, exempting sole operators from the definition of 'brothel' and therefore corrupt persecution including eviction from their homes.

The Ring

The Ring, Marilyn Hacker

Her ring is in a safe-deposit box
with hundred-dollar bills and wills and deeds.
You used to hide my letters with the stock
certificates, unlock a room to read
those night thoughts in a vault under the bank
where we descend this noon: a painless loan
of cash from you to me, for which I thank
you, but tremble. Half as a joke, we sign
a promissory note on a looseleaf
page: odd, to see your name written with mine.
You fold that, file it in a plastic sleeve,
then rummage in the artefacts to find
and show me what you’ve just inherited:
your mother’s knuckle-duster diamond ring,
a fossil prism in a satin bed.
You model it. I see your hand shaking.
You ask me if I want to try it on
but I won’t put that diamond on my hand.
Once, I gave you a ring. You loaned me one.
What I borrowed that day has been returned.

via, Jeanette Winterson

A place called home

As much as I love 'angel', this post has more to do the song by Kim Richey ... "a place called home".

Selling out the wind

We settle, we sell out everyday. We marry the guy that provides, even though his love and affection fall short. We take the job that pays well but compromises our values. We sit in a pew and abdicate responsibility for our choices and actions because it is easier to listen to someone else tell us what to do than to think, act and carry the consequences of our own actions.

My relationships have been hard, hurtful and disappointing and when none of the above, out of reach.

Much of the pain is that I am the girl that runs on the wind. A spirit free and wanting everything that there is and more … I used to be wide eyed and full of wonder, these days I am sad and lost and haunted by inaction. Giving up and giving over to ‘normal’ life, I often find myself surrendering to the clipping of my wings and the confines of the gilded cage.

While I believe in the choice of happiness, this society celebrates conformity and for those of us that refuse to fall in line, the price is loss that only your heart and soul can measure. What needs to happen? Face what you can't hide!

Other's Misfortune

My Mother is a huge fan of black comedy ... she only ever seems to laugh when someone is getting hurt, funniest home video style.

Sad thing is we often have people that push our buttons and we imagine their misfortune occuring as a result of karmic intervention ... then again you can just act out.

Having fun with someone else's misfortune

Mummy, what does marginalized mean?

My daughter and I were watching a documentary over the weekend where an Aboriginal man made the statement ... "we don't want to be marginalized". My daughter asked me, "Mummy, what does marginalized mean?" ... all I could think of to say to my six year old was "left in a corner sweetheart, like the kid that no one will play with at school".

Definition:Marginalize, To relegate or confine to a lower or outer limit or edge, as of social standing.

We do our world a hurt when we keep people boxed and locked in a world without understanding, acceptance, hope, benevolence, access to resources and education.

We fear what we don't understand. You can change that. Learn.

Children bring you back to earth.

I've had a huge week emotionally. I feel spent and resigned to crap tv and chunky monkey icecream as my boy would say.

I have my beautiful girl with me this weekend.

My daughter put her head on my lap and as I was stroking her hair I noticed the little nit eggs. My ex has been talking of it for months now and I have never found evidence ... do we will these things upon ourselves? To see the eggs for real is not a difficult exercise ... I just wish that it was easy to describe to a parent experiencing it for the first time.

I was at the chemist trying to determine which nit comb to purchase. Obviously a different one from whatever the ex had used was obvious. There were three other mother's trying to determine the same thing, the seventeen year old assistant wasn't much help.

So we got home after jumping puddles and dodging shopping trolleys. In the bath and the combing begins

A bucketful of Babylon

NOS DA CARIAD, David Gray

One lifetime is long enough

Is long enough to wait

The rain like silver in my ears

Fat nothing on my plate

A bucketful of Babylon

A belly full of hate

Go to sleep my one true love

And may your dreams be sweet

Then we?ll be running

See its face beneath the glass

It murmurs on the breeze

Like a long black Cadillac

It passes ?neath the trees

What is it you?re waiting for?

Sweet love is on its knees

Go to sleep my one true love

And find your heart?s release

Then we?ll be running

Afraid of nothing

Yeah we?ll be running

Silence is golden

Here I am

I ain?t afraid of nothing

Silence is golden

Here I am

The sun above the cotton grass

Is sinking down like lead

The seagulls know the truth of it

And scream it overhead

Hold on to St. Christopher

The sky is murderous red

Go to sleep my one true love

Our glory lies ahead

Then we?ll be running

Afraid of nothing

Then we?ll be running

All wired up in a dawning ray

All wired up in a dawning ray

All wired up in a dawning ray

All wired up in a dawning ray

All that I am, all that I love is in you. Without you there is nothing I want. I live. But I live life a shadow of the person I am when you are beside me.

Are you on the list ... Hell Awaits You!!

This picture from digitalgrace

The guy could not think of as many sinners as the last one

Storm

The rain has continued all yesterday, all last night and on and off today. I stayed in, kept warm, made cups of tea and spag bol ... comfort seems to be the priority of this long weekend.

Others of us seem to have been more brave ... here, via Stilgherrian

But even as I was reading Stilgherrian's post and the photograph of Victoria Street, Potts Point, I couldn't help but imagine the horror of being homeless in weather like this. Where do the homeless go for a cup of tea? A respite from the rain? There aren't enough beds in the shelters for everyone. Do they think of calling home? Do they drink another bottle just to forget how cold and wet they are? Do you care?



Tom Stone photographs people on the fringes. This photograph "silent roar" has haunted me since I discovered his work in San Francisco.

God Hates Fags ... God Hates Pharasies More

Sweetheart, we don't have an "Old Testament God".

Your kind of religion is perversion. The way of the "law" is done and finished. Quite frankly, the example of Christ seems to be ignored again and again and again.

Jesus, met with the maginalised, the sick, the unholy, the prostitutes, the theif, the tax collector, the publican ... the people. He chastised the priests, with venom.

If Jesus is the Son Of God, then all that was before and all that came after him is irrelevant if you do not follow in the footsteps of the Christ. The words of man will not outway the life of Jesus. Leviticus is not greater than Jesus, Deuteronomy is not greater than Jesus, any of the writings of Paul are not greater than Jesus.

Jesus walked in mercy. Those who follow him should also walk in mercy. God is judge, not man.

Quiet Riot ... voice to the voiceless

"People shouldn't have to endure "quiet riots." They should be shouting from the rooftops, and we should hear their pleas. See, if someone is stranded on a roof and the tides are rising, if they want to be rescued two things must happen: One, they must make themselves visible for the helicopter to see. Second, the helicopter must lower a line to help them up. The pilot can hook up the belt and do all the work; the individual must be a willing participant.

Obama gave a voice to the voiceless. As he said, they must do their part. They must work hard to escape poverty by going to school, do a good job at work and not be involved in crime.

Let's not treat them as if they are non-existent. If we remain quiet in the face of chronic conditions, shame on us for saying, "God bless America." Because we surely we are not being a blessing to our fellow Americans."

OK, so it's an election year in Australia

The man I will not be voting for but all the Jesus Crispies probably will ...

Jesus Loves Porn Stars!!!

My favorite t-shirt!

Abstinence Policy Does Not Effect Personal Choices

Sex is here.

Sex is real.

Sex occurs between people who are married, unmarried, pay for it, break laws for it, deny others rights for it ... WAKE UP.

Positive education and responsibility about protection from sexually transmitted diseases or infections is important to change behaviour and reduce risk.

You can't ignore it and expect it to go away.

Read more here via sexerati

Moving House ... Rah!!

I'm still alive ... just moving house.

Debt Relief for the people YOU love.

If you love someone ... please don't expect them to increase their debt in order to give you a gift. It is wrong. Let those you love know that a card or practical hands on help will mean more than spending $$$.

Cut up those damn credit cards and get your life back.

Have you ever typed 'jesus' into Google?

I did and ... I am scared.

JesusDressUp

Can't you fundamentalists get some SEO advice?

Depressed? Someone Needs You.

Get up off your ass... go and help someone else.

If you want a solution to the blues the answer is in contribution... yours.

You have many skills, you know it... stop it, you know you do.

Would it hurt you to spend a few short hours serving meals at a homeless shelter, a woman's refuge, a children's hospital?

There are so many ways you can be involved, be appreciated, and get over yourself and your blues ... by contributing just a little of yourself. It will mean so much to someone else.

Z. recommends to check out Good Company


No matter what you do, just get up, get out, go do something for someone else.

Expectations and Outcomes

OK ... so I have had a rough week. I apologise for my bout of melancholy. The pity party is over. Sometimes you just have to open the blinds and let the sun in.

The kick in the behind that got me out of this present phase of blues was this post from Zern, our beliefs and expectations of others - the last paragraph was the stand out for me.

It is true. How we choose to frame our world and the expectations we place on others will effect the quality of life we live. I have a positive expectation of the friends around me and the new people I meet. I honestly believe that we can have positive, authentic meetings, sharing, being, etc. And I do. But when it comes to the people closest to me, those I love, my family ... in truth, my expectation is that they will screw me over or let me down ... that is a mindset that needs changing starting now. Thanks Zern.

He who is without sin gets to hold the sign!!

This photograph was taken by Cherie Priest and can be found here.

These guys have been around forever, but I don't think they have had enough RECOGNITION to date. I really love the part about adultresses ... where are their lovers? One would think that it does take two.

I have nothing to say but, hey guys read the words of your Christ. Put down your stones people. Matthew 7:1,2 (New International Version)

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

Do I have to do it alone?

Am I OK? No, I guess I'm not OK.

Am I angry? Yes, I guess I am ... angry.

Not such a pretty place for a woman to be.

A woman gives her all. She gives you those eyes that tell you that she believes in you, trusts, loves and will keep putting that shoulder to the grind to make it all happen.

A woman will give all 'till the well is dry. At some point she needs something back. Some energy, some love, some hope, some encouragement.

Do I have to do it alone?

As Dead As Yesterday

My daughter makes me laugh, cry and feel as dead as yesterday.

"It'll leave you with nothin' to say
Lost without a way
Ain't it funny child
Love sometimes leaves you
As dead as yesterday
Hoping to hold a handful of sunshine
Like a child told it cannot play
Never ever figured Lord love would leave me feeling
As dead as yesterday

Lord could you help me find some shelter?
Lord could you help me find some shelter?

It'll leave you feeling hollow & helpless
And there is where you'll stay
Ain't it funny child love sometimes leaves you
As dead as yesterday"

Zakk Wylde

Great and Ruinous Lovers

"Lancelot and Guinevere.
Tristan and Isolde.
Siegfried and Brunnhilde.
Romeo and Juliet.
Cathy and Heathcliffe.
Vita and Violet.
Oscar and Bosie.
Burton and Taylor.
Abelard and Heloise.
Paolo and Francesca.

There are many more. This is a list you can write yourself. Some are greater than others. Some more ruinous. Some tales have been told many times, others privately and by letter. Love's script has no end of beginnings. The characters and the scenerary change.

There are three possible endings: Revenge. Tragedy. Forgiveness."

Jeanette Winterson - The PowerBook

In each day we are presented a choice. I choose forgiveness. I will not lose my life to tragedy, nor will I sell my soul to revenge.

We are so often obsessed with where a relationship is going that we forget to enjoy the present. The gift of now. The ache reminds us that we do care. And we do. You can never own another. You can only share.

Another year older

Yes, another birthday. A good time to revisit the blank book philosophy.

I had a great dinner with my brother and sister. A meeting of siblings always involves many jokes and the special secret language born from the comraderie of knowing that at least someone else knows how nuts it was to grow up with our parents.

Happy Mother's Day

I can't even begin to explain how I feel today.

I miss my beautiful daughter. We spoke for about 30 seconds today.

Every night she was with me I sang to her. One of her favorites was Wendy Matthews, The Day You Went Away... I'm singing it for you tonight sweetheart.


Hey, does it ever make you wonder
what's on my mind
I was only ever running back to your side
I never cried, I just watched my life go by
It's just a pack of lies,
'cause you're leaving me behind
Why, after this long is there nothing
I'll keep, oh, I can shout
you'll pretend you're falling asleep
I live a lie, yeah, believing that you're mine
It's just a waste of time
'cause you're leaving me behind

Hey, there's not a cloud in the sky
It's as blue as your goodbye
and I thought it would rain
on a day like today
Hey, there's not a cloud in sight
it's as blue as your blue goodbye
and I thought it would rain
the day you went away

Hey, does it ever make you wonder what's on my mind
I was only ever running back to your side
Hey, there's not a cloud in the sky
it's as blue as your goodbye
and I thought it would rain
on a day like today

Hey, there's not a cloud in sight
it's as blue as your blue goodbye
and I thought it would rain
the day you went away

He's on the buses, and the aeroplanes
with some groceries and a sleeping bag ...

I need some chicken soup and a cuddle

I got hit with some icky flu. I feel like death.

This is where long distance relationships are quite unhelpful. Here I am moaning and groaning on my blog when all I really want is some chicken soup and a cuddle.

The Wayside Chapel 'get it'!!

Please take the time to listen to this interview with The Wayside Chapel's Pastor Graham Long with Mark Trevorrow on the ABC last week on the conversation hour.

I met Graham when I was 18. He is the only minister I have met that I thought was fair, balanced and real. His work with the people on the streets is and example for all of us because he does not consider these people clients, but friends. He does not try to fix people but meet them. In the end the greatest ailment we all have is loneliness. It isn't exclusive to economic range, family background, gender, etc. In a lonely world Graham Long and his team at the Wayside Chapel meet 300 people a day. They ask for practical help. Visit their website to join their newsletter and find out how you can help ... right now they need socks and jocks!!!

Which brings me to the other side of the Pacific where my love lives. God I miss him.


Tom Stone has a showing at Studio 333 (333A Caledonia Street | Sausalito) through June and July. We should not be oblivious of the homeless, we should see them or as Graham Long says, meet them.

Tom photographs the people on the fringe. Check out his work here.

Christmelicious - Oh Dear!

What can I say ... I feel for the kids. I, a preacher's kid have been stuck up on stage and pranced about singing many silly songs in the name of church outreach and or church entertainment. But what gets me is that the kids are singing it and doing it ... but someone came up with the idea that it would be OK to rip of the song, again demonstrating to the world that the christians do not have an original thought in their brain.

Here Puss Puss

I am babysitting my 3 year old nephew for a few days in a house where a cat normally lives. Day two, I notice the cat is missing. I look at the 3 year old and say "What happened to the cat?" "She rund away", came the response ... I actually thought "My God, what has he done to the cat!

A quick phone call to my sister and after much hysterical laughter (they automatically assumed that I had concluded my nephew had 'damaged' the cat) all was well ... the cat was boarding!!!

The cat lives. Damn!

"hi mum, I'm in the middle of playing soccer, can I call you back another day!"

Have been having a hard few days. I have been missing my daughter very much and her recent tears and performance has only added to the ache. It is funny how kids manipulate. They know us better than we could ever know them. My daughter went from floods of tears and "mum, I want to live with you" one day and "hi mum, I'm in the middle of playing soccer, can I call you back another day!" the next. Keeping up with the whirlwind of emotions is intense.

Much of the pain comes from not having answers for her questions and as much as I need to get on with my own life and that does include separation from her, I still can't think of one good reason to be away from her.

Mummy loves you baby!! xoxo

Lost and Running

At the airport again. On this occasion to wave goodbye to my boy again. It has to be good that it hurts. It has to mean something that when he leaves I feel sad, empty and the weight of loss. We flirted with our meetings this week. He was not here to visit me, but I was lucky enough to share some time and space with him and for that I am blessed.


I got home and downloaded Powderfinger's new single 'lost and running' to my ipod. You can listen to the song and watch the video at their myspace page here.



Lost And Running

Oh I was sick and tired of waiting lost
And you were mad at me for so much more
I was bored listening to the same old chords
You would complain that I was never around

And we shouldn't hope
No we shouldn't hope
If love is so easy then why am I stuck
If life is so smooth why can't I get enough

Oh I'm still lost and running
I can't get enough
No I'm still lost and running
I can't get enough

Oh every day moves like a hurricane
It's dragging me around no matter what I say
Night time in the city streets I'm out of luck
The cobblestones are dark and wet there's no one I trust

And it comes around
Yeah it comes around
Missed it so easy say where have you gone
I'm looking for somewhere I can lay down my arms

Oh I'm still lost and running
I can't get enough
No I'm still lost and running
I can't get enough
No I'm still lost and running
Somewhere I lay down my arms
Oh I'm still lost and running
I can't get enough

I'm taking my time I let it float away
Telling my lies and you got nothing to say
The further we slip into this rabbit hole
the harder we look for a new place to go

Oh I'm still lost and running
I can't get enough
No I'm still lost and running
I can't get enough
No I'm still lost and running
Somewhere I lay down my arms
Oh I'm still lost and running
I can't get enough

(I'm still lost and running)
Well the harder we look
(I'm still lost and running)
For a new place to go
(I'm still lost and running)
Yeah the harder we look
(I'm still lost and running)
For a new place to go

(I'm still lost and running)
You can't lay there in my arms
(I'm still lost and running)
You can't lay there in my arms I'm still lost and running

I have a birthday coming up ... very soon!! What I want ... tickets to the Powderfinger Show 30th May, Four Seasons Hotel, Grand Ballroom ... on sale 11th May!!! Here's Hoping! (And I shouldn't Hope)

Ode To Meaning - Robert Pinsky

I discovered Robert Pinsky when I was 21. I bought a copy of "History of my Heart". While I am sure the history of my heart would differ from his ... the recognition of pain is something that is universal.

The Robert Pinksy poem Ode To Meaning. Leaves me without anything much to say, just awe.


Ode To Meaning.

Dire one and desired one,
Savior, sentencer--

In an old allegory you would carry
A chained alphabet of tokens:

Ankh Badge Cross.
Dragon,
Engraved figure guarding a hallowed intaglio,
Jasper kinema of legendary Mind,
Naked omphalos pierced
By quills of rhyme or sense, torah-like: unborn
Vein of will, xenophile
Yearning out of Zero.

Untrusting I court you. Wavering
I seek your face, I read
That Crusoe's knife
Reeked of you, that to defile you
The soldier makes the rabbi spit on the torah.
"I'll drown my book" says Shakespeare.

Drowned walker, revenant.
After my mother fell on her head, she became
More than ever your sworn enemy. She spoke
Sometimes like a poet or critic of forty years later.
Or she spoke of the world as Thersites spoke of the heroes,
"I think they have swallowed one another. I
Would laugh at that miracle."

You also in the laughter, warrior angel:
Your helmet the zodiac, rocket-plumed
Your spear the beggar's finger pointing to the mouth
Your heel planted on the serpent Formulation
Your face a vapor, the wreath of cigarette smoke crowning
Bogart as he winces through it.

You not in the words, not even
Between the words, but a torsion,
A cleavage, a stirring.

You stirring even in the arctic ice,
Even at the dark ocean floor, even
In the cellular flesh of a stone.
Gas. Gossamer. My poker friends
Question your presence
In a poem by me, passing the magazine
One to another.

Not the stone and not the words, you
Like a veil over Arthur's headstone,
The passage from Proverbs he chose
While he was too ill to teach
And still well enough to read, I was
Beside the master craftsman
Delighting him day after day, ever
At play in his presence--you

A soothing veil of distraction playing over
Dying Arthur playing in the hospital,
Thumbing the Bible, fuzzy from medication,
Ever courting your presence,
And you the prognosis,
You in the cough.

Gesturer, when is your spur, your cloud?
You in the airport rituals of greeting and parting.
Indicter, who is your claimant?
Bell at the gate. Spiderweb iron bridge.
Cloak, video, aroma, rue, what is your
Elected silence, where was your seed?

What is Imagination
But your lost child born to give birth to you?

Dire one. Desired one.
Savior, sentencer--

Absence,
Or presence ever at play:
Let those scorn you who never
Starved in your dearth. If I
Dare to disparage
Your harp of shadows I taste
Wormwood and motor oil, I pour
Ashes on my head. You are the wound. You
Be the medicine.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer

Sun Tzu ... the great military strategist is credited with the authorship of the title.

I do not seek to implement it often, as I have few enemies.

I do however cast doubt over the intentions of the enemies of my closest friends when hostility melts into pleasantry. My senses are raised, my anxiety increased because, I sense imminent cruelty.

I have great love and loyalty for my friends. Be well. Be safe.

Marriage is a Lie!!

I don’t believe in domestic life. I know that it works for some people, but it does not work for me. You are attracted to a person, you fall in love, you make love, you enjoy sharing your lives … then you live together or get married and live together and then all the attraction and passion turns into a daily struggle of going to work, paying bills, saving and trying to amass material wealth. Relationship becomes a routine argument over whose turn it is to clean the toilet or the boredom of the daily “what do you want to do for dinner” phone call.

Many people are unhappy in their relationship not because of what the other person does or does not do, but because they have not achieved their own personal goals that were put on hold or aborted due to the responsibility of relationship. Which does seem odd given that you both individually paid your own way prior to the relationship.

We cannot put our life on layby. We have been given today. The choice is to live or to be a slave to circumstance. Do you think you might enjoy each other more if you had some space to achieve your own dreams, clean up your own mess, socialise with your other friends and enjoy the companionship of your lover who you have both made time to specifically be with and appreciate.

I am not saying don't get married, I am saying you will appreciate and respect each other more if you do not live together.

When all your worlds collide

You know what I mean ... When you are busy getting on with your new job, relationship, in a new state, country whatever and you walk straight into someone who reminds you that you used to have a really bad perm back in the 80's, except that bad perm was actually a bad relationship, a career as an exotic dancer or the fact that you were the high school goodie two shoes jesus crispy. What is the appropriate course of action? Do you ignore the person? If they say something to you do you go into denial ... "I think you have me confused with someone else?"

I was given some good advice for when your past catches up with you ... "always be prepared to answer any question with Yes, but it's not what I'm doing now. I am ..."

The fact is that the world is getting smaller and the degrees of separation are closing in. It's not all about personal heartache and trivial misdemeanors ... we are also much closer to global tragedy Farmer Ted has a great perspective on this. Have a read.

God is a concept by which we measure our pain

"God is a concept by which we measure our pain." John Lennon

It is pain that makes us surrender. It is when we realise that we may just need something bigger than ourselves to get us out of our mess. That moment when we say God help me ... comes to everyone.

Breaking up online

Now that I have calmed down from the emotion that fuelled the last post. I was most amused by Melissa Gira's post on Sexerati.com about breaking up and changing your relationship status online. I was most pleased by the notion of letting your no longer significant other know that they were now no more significant than that 'crapunknownband' #5 as demonstrated by the priority on myspace. Relationship status is tricky at the best of times.

My soon to be ex-husband commented on the fact that I was calling my boyfriend, my boyfriend and perhaps that it was a little too strong a term seeing that we don't even live in the same country. While I appreciate his concern ... I don't know anymore. Relationships suck. No one knows what the rules are anymore.

Declaring status online ... pointless unless you care to share the story and the lessons ... I have lived through a few highs and lows with Heather online and have often been appreciative that she bothered to share.

Can I spell DIVORCED for you?

Why can't some people just let go and realise that their ex-partner has a right to move on and live? I am a little tired of seeing my ex's ISP on my weblogs. How do I put this ... it creeps me out. Occasional nostaliga ... I get it. But I don't want to be reminded of our hellish life together everyday.

Stryper Goes XXX

I am still laughing my ass off after hearing "To Hell With The Devil" for the first time in God knows??? I love the XXXChurch, I love the balls they have to take their message to the mainstream church and say .... "Hey, you say, think you are perfect... but what about your porn?" They are saying this in churches. Totally cool. I can see those self-righteous little behinds squirming now. The tagline for the XXXchurch is "The #1 christian porn site"

The guys at the XXXchurch are running a glorious circus of fools at present. Promoting Stryper along with pro wrestling and a debate between Porn King Icon Ron Jeremy and Craig Gross, founder of the XXXchurch as part of their "unscripted 2007".

I love it:
Ron Jeremy
Pro Wrestling
Stryper

God I wish I was in Atlanta, GA right now.

You will get all the madness at their website for Unscripted 2007 here. Enjoy it, it was the best laugh I've had in years.

I can't but feel nostalgic, listening to Stryper after having my rock chick reignited at Jemfest Australia. Giddyup guys. Best of luck. Stick it to those right wing conservative christians with a cupboard full of secrets.

Jesusland - Ben Folds

Just in case I haven't been jesus crispy enough of late. I thought you may appreciate Ben Folds video to Jesusland ... full of television evangelists, deliciously crispy.



I love this video. The tambourine was a nice touch. When I was in 4th class in primary school I was asked what I was going to be when I grew up ... I stood up and said ... "I'm going to be an evangelist." If anyone else has a story of social suicide feel free to share it here!

Little Wing ... My Jemfest Australia Highlight

OK so I know that my music obsession has little to do with jesus crispies. But if you have a problem with my content ... get your own blog.

The highlight of my evening at Jemfest, (and this is by no means a review) was Rob Balducci and Jeremy Barnes performing "Little Wing", my all time favorite song. It was pure joy.

I have loved this Jimi Hendrix classic since I was old enough to buy my own music. Can there be anything better for a girl than "butterflies, zebras and moonbeams and fairy tales."

It is the song I have sung my daughter to sleep with. It is the essence of the free spirit... the "circus mind, that's running wild" ... "riding with the wind"

Hang it, here are the lyrics:

"Little Wing"

Well, she's walking through the clouds
with a circus mind
that's running wild
Butterflies and zebras and moonbeams
and fairy tales

That's all she ever thinks about...

Riding with the wind

When I'm sad she comes to me
with a thousand smiles
she gives to me free

It's alright, she says,
it's alright
Take anything you want from me,
anything

Fly on, little wing

It is a melody that transports me into all things nostalgic and progresses the future hopes and dreams. It reminds me to be true to me. Without regret.

God Hates Fags - The Real Christians Speak

I watched this video on youtube and I got so frustrated. The website of this woman's church is godhatesfags.com... seriously!!

[note to my friends: unless you have time to burn and love theological arguments, you may want to skip this one!]



If you haven't read the words of The Christ you have no business reading the words of Paul or the Old Testament. Christ demonstrated compassion and tolerance. His message was of faith and not of law.

As a preacher's kid, in my late teens, many of my friends were gay. My father had been a hardliner from his conversion ... for him God had been a life and death decision. It is the issue that divided us. So many Doctors play god with a child's sexuality when they are born ... so many of us are born imperfect. Deviant behaviour is deviant behaviour whether your are gay or heterosexual, it isn't exclusive to homosexuals. It is not unusual to hear "when did you decide to be gay" ... like you would choose to make your life so difficult??!! When did you decide to be heterosexual??

My fear for Shirley Phelps-Roper, is that she stands in judgement over others.

Jemfest Australia ... feeding my audio addiction

Saturday (21st April) I was enticed back to the airport again and onto another plane to Melbourne. (for all those who suffer an audio addiction such as myself, you will understand). Jemfest Australia was a night not to have been missed. Guitar heaven featuring a brilliant lineup of: Cory Jach Band, Cereal Killer, James Ryan, Jeremy Barnes and headlining from the USA, my favorite New Yorker, Rob Balducci.

Rob's CD, The Color Of Light will be on high rotation at my place over the coming weeks. It is emotive, sensual and beautiful. The melodic dreamscape evokes light and shade that takes you through the rise and fall, a tumultuous affair, a life lost and found, hope, fear, love, adoration... close your eyes, breathe deep, exhale and imagine. (If you wanted a technical review ... wrong site!)

Simon, you organized an awesome gig. I felt like I was 17 again!!!

If you missed this one check out the artists at their websites or visit the forum topic here where I’m sure they can tell you where you can still buy the t-shirt and make a contribution to Steve Vai's Make a Noise Foundation.

Space

While in Melbourne with my good friends the topic of my long distance relationship came up often. My friends had met my beautiful boy and couldn't understand how I could stand to be without him. By far the best quote in response to my comment "but I like my space" was "Is the Pacific Ocean enough space for you?". Thanks Simon.

Godtube

The children of the original creator may not be lacking in creativity, but certainly originality.

Missing In Action

So it has been too long since my last post. I have just returned from spending time with my wonderful friends in Melbourne in celebration of their marriage. A truly international guest list, covering the USA, South America, UK and Europe. Between email, voip and discount airfares the world really isn't such a big place. So thrilled to have met some outstanding people, catch up with old friends and generally return home far more alive and with plenty to ponder for sometime to come.

It is so rare for us to just stop and make time to enjoy friendship for more than a coffee or lunch. I enjoyed every moment, be it the kick in the pants from she who knows me too well or the brave insight from a new friend, the deep and meaningful discussions or the puerile antics. I danced,laughed and cried ... I now remember that there is more to life than a computer and a high speed internet connection.

And the political containment award goes to .... Time Magazine

Time magazine published the cover story The Truth About Talibanistan everywhere but America ... What could possibly be more important????? The Case for Teaching The Bible???? Read the post at Stilgherrian

Jesus Crispy Camp

I am a born again, spirit filled, word believing, faith talking, armour wearing child of the king. Satan gets so discouraged when he see the word of god working in me. You don't have to be defeated, or wait for heaven to get the victory. I am a born again spirit filled, word believing, faith talking, armour wearing child of the king.

I don't know how the rest of that song goes, but it scares me that at 30 years of age, I still remember this much. I believe that there is "bring up the child in the way he should go" ... and then there is brainwashing.

Please watch this trailer. Please realise that an introduction to God should be a personal discovery, not a guilt ridden weight of responsibility for mankind. I have been that child. I have carried the weight.

Shame on you adults for putting these expectations on your children ... I hope to God you are not looking at your next generation of drug addicts and prostitutes. Why, because not even YOU can live up to the requirements you place on your children. Any when they discover your hypocrisy, you will feel the consequences. If God is God, he doesn't need an army camp to brainwash children into militant servitude. Jesus came with a message of how to live. That there is no 'us and them'. I don't care how you cut it up it is wrong. It will leave scars. Human beings do so much wrong "in the name of God". Children grow up eventually. They will hold you accountable.

why no one likes Aussies anymore

As my friend Dave pointed out ... it is very sad but true. The blog post by Ben Groundwater, [here]rang just a little too true. I have complained. I have missed my vegemite and tim tams. I have fretted when getting what comes simple back home is a big ordeal. But I have also rolled my eyes upon any discussion with a taxi driver that involved crocodile hunter Steve Irwin. Not everyone in Australia loves to hang out with reptiles and kangaroos. I have cringed when 'outback steakhouse' was the choice for dinner ... not sure I know anyone who eats bloomin onions at home, but seeing they were rather delicious perhaps we should.

On the other foot, I have travelled to the Maldives expecting an out of the ordinary experience only to discover an australian chef and a wine list full of tragic export labels ... kanga's leap and bushman's gully, etc. Just a tip, if it has a kangaroo anything on it ... tip it down the sink.

All it gets down to is expectations. There is an illusion that America and the UK are just like Australia ... as my boy says often, "it may as well be China". Lose the expectation and opt in to the adventure ... you may just have fun and you are less likely to complain and annoy the crap out of everyone else.

The Lost Soul and a case for a Nursing Home

I am a child of a preacher. I am a child of a man whose thoughts were seldom censored. I am now an adult fearing the coming birthday. Kingdom come, thy will be done ... etc. When did I stop paying attention. Two weeks ago ... "you always seem to disappoint us in the usual areas.". Thanks Dad. I enjoy the confidence. Two words ... nursing home. If you are reading this Dad, yes, that comment hurt!

How is the building fund coming along?

Church buildings ... a sanctuary for spiritual communion or a fortress to keep the icky people out?

Children Cut Through The Crap

Whenever I feel like I may just "have it going on" even if only for a moment, my daughter (age 6) brings me right back down to earth with a thud. When I am around her I never have the right answer to the very real questions and the heartfelt desires.

"I want to live with you Mummy."

Me: Yes, darling, but you love living with your other family too. You are so lucky you have two families.

"I only want one family mummy. I want a happy ending. I want to see you everyday."

Me: dumbstruck again.

There is nothing I can say that means anything. I can stick my finger in the dam but sooner or later another leak will spring. I don't have the answers for my daughter, I still wish someone could give some answers to me. I do know that happy endings are by design and not destiny, that my happiness is by choice as is my misery and some things that happen in life don't have an explanation and just really suck!

Mummy and daddy can live in the same house forever and after happily unhappy ... no thank you. The weight of the fairytales is heavy. I think of all the stories I have read to my daughter and the myths that have been spun through them and I feel more than a little guilty. Children cut through the crap. They know how things really are. For some reason we keep trying to change their minds by feeding them the fairytale fantasy world, perhaps because it makes us feel better that they aren't worried about the weight of the adult concerns.

After all the fretting and worry about my daughter's wellbeing and state of mind throughout my marriage breakdown, comes the truth ...

"so if you and daddy break up, will I still be able to go to the snow in the holidays?"

More damning diagrams

Thanks to Z and Stilgherrian for pointing out this fantastic blog... Indexed.

My fav. Seven Deadly Sins

Seven Deadly Sins

My friends and I were trying to name all of the seven deadly sins ... funny we did well for a few: lust, gluttony, envy, sloth ....??? Ok now I am stuck. Why is that? Perhaps I am not Catholic ... Oh yeah, I'm not. So I did a quiz to see what was going to damn me to hell. (like this site isn't enough!)

Greed:	Low
Gluttony:	Low
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Medium
Pride:	Medium

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

Having seen the results, there were no surprises there. I am a mess to live with. It is common for my partner to walk in and express: "someone broke into our house and trashed it.", lust ... well, I'm sure you get it. Pride ... now this surprised me, but maybe I'm just too proud to see it. It's a bit of fun.

You can get more info on the seven deadly sins here

Ok, so I jumped .... now where is my parachute???

So the last post wasn't really in 'english' .... I know. It is some kind of emotional gibberish that fell out of my behind prior to boarding yet another flight, did I tell you I love UNITED airlines! I really can't promise that this post will be any easier to follow. I just got back into Sydney early this morning.



I am in love. There I said it. I can't believe it. Sheryl Crow wrote a song about me - all of them. If there is a hard way to do something you know I am going to find it. I am talking major long-distance-relationship! I have made my jump ... now where the hell is my parachute???

The kind of loving feeling that comes with the well-worn waves of jet lag. Yes I am in love with a man who lives on the other side of the ocean and who has fast-tracked my frequent flyer status and made even a walk down a 'red carpet' seem routine.

We said 'bye' again last night ... hence my blah post. It isn't getting any easier. To leave, to wave, to be brave, to be alone, to hold it all together. The truth may be that we have more chance apart, living the ache, knowing the weight of the love we share, than we may if we were living under the same roof of domestic blah! Domestos really does nothing for the libido!

Why is the measure of love ... loss?

"Articulacy of fingers, the language of the deaf and dumb, signing on the body body longing. Who taught you to write in blood on my back? Who taught you to use your hands as branding irons? You have scored your name into my shoulders, referenced me with your mark. The pads of your fingers have become printing blocks, you tap a message on to my skin, tap meaning into my body. Your Morse code interferes with my heart beat. I had a steady heart before I met you, I relied upon it, it had seen active service and grown strong. Now you alter its pace with your own rhythm, you play upon me, drumming me taut." Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body

My heart is so full and I feel I can barely breathe. I miss you already my beautiful boy.

It is hard to write when every word, a knife, cuts through me. I am open to the journey, I have faith in the cause and hope that it all works out. What will be will be.

Why is it the absence that uncovers the weight of love?

conservapedia

This really is so crispy. conservapedia

Sent to me by my good friend, who will remain anonymous in the interest of sanity and association aversion. He is a brilliant scavenger of all things 'jesus crispy'.

This site really doesn't need any further pontification. More info here.

I wanna steal your attention like a bad outlaw

The song, containing this lyric keeps coming up in my life lately - the most common version courtesy of Keith Urban. It seems to be a good reminder of the bullshit we tell our 'others' in the height of romance. Like all the other offerings we spill in the guise of infatuation.

I am jaded so don't bother writing. I have had enough proposals, promises and till death do us part. How about some honesty. How about you, me, the bills, the kids, the psycho ex's the whole damn circus of what life is these days.

Why can't we be honest ... it really is hell on earth trying to navigate around the maze that is relationships. I wish that it was romantic. I hope to god fantasy still lives in some part of our minds, souls and hearts .... that we dare to believe that there will be another, that we can be loved, that we are loved.

I gave up waiting for my cowboy a lifetime ago. I hope he hasn't given up on me.

I'm gonna be here for you baby
And I'll be a man of my own word
Speak the language in a voice that you have never heard
I wanna sleep with you forever
And I wanna die in your arms
In a cabin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm

(Chorus:)
And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us

I wanna honor your mother
And I wanna learn from your paw
I wanna steal your attention like a bad outlaw
And I wanna stand out in a crowd for you
A man among men
I wanna make your world better than it's ever been

Chorus

We'll follow the rainbow
Wherever the four winds blow
And there'll be a new day
Comin' your way
I'm gonna be here for you from now on
This you know somehow
You've been stretched to the limits but it's alright now

And I'm gonna make you this promise
If there's life after this
I'm gonna be there to meet you with a warm, wet kiss
Yes I am

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust makin' memories of us
Ohhh
And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you baby
And I'll win your trust makin memories of us

More on life as a blank book

I have loved Anais Nin since I first discovered her diaries. I was 21 sitting on the floor of the Stanton Library in North Sydney astounded by a woman who was so honest. Her thoughts could have been my thoughts many decades apart. A beautifully brave, honest woman. I was flicking through my notes today and came across this quotation from Anais, it seems to fit and may well be the inspiration for my philosophy of the blank book, enjoy ...

"What makes people despair ... is that they try to find a universal meaning to the whole of life and then end up by saying it is absurd, illogical, empty of meaning. There is not one big, cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person. To seek a total unity is wrong. To give as much meaning to one's life as possible seems right to me. For example, I am not committed to any of the political movements which I find full of fanaticism and injustice, but in the face of each human being, I act democratically and humanly. I give each human being his due. I disregard class and possessions. It is the value of their spirit, of their human qualities I pay my respect to, and to their needs as far as I am able to fulfill them ..." Anais Nin

James Brown Day

Today is a James Brown day.

For me that means that I wake up and decide that I don't want to have yet another crap day. I put on the godfather of soul, James Brown "get up offa that thing ... dance and you'll feel better". It's very hard to be sad. It's very hard to do anything other than dance. James Brown's music is infectious. Try it, turn your day around.

"You hate people like me but you are happy to use me"

"you hate people like me but you are happy to use me" ... it is a quote I paraphrased from Shelley Lubben and am very fond of it. In the case of American Idol's latest controversy, seems apt. Whether it is the blow of relationship revenge or shameless self promotion ... Antonella Barba has shown the true colours of our puerile nature. Presently Antonella Barba is the highest search term in Technorati, ahead of the Oscars, Myspace, Youtube, Britney Spears and Al Gore ... as my friend put it "We are interested in dick sucking, not planet fucking."

While her blow job demonstration was hardly educational the release of this material happens because of society's insatiable appetite for other people's lives. More than the success and celebration of others, we prefer to see them fail. We need to realise that we USE these people. We consume them. Build them up, burn them out then forget them. Think about that before you Google Antonella Barba.

Voyeurism is a practice in which an individual derives sexual pleasure from observing other people. Such people may be engaged in sexual acts, or be nude or in underwear, or dressed in whatever other way the "voyeur" finds appealing. The word derives from French verb voir (to see) with the -eur suffix that translates as -er in English. A literal translation would then be “seer” or "observer", with pejorative connotations.

Also, the word voyeur can define someone who receives enjoyment from witnessing other people's suffering or misfortune.

Are you Asian and Don't Want to be?

This is a 'joke' ... but it also sadly isn't. It was sent to me by a friend of mine and I just couldn't ignore it.

Sexually destructive behavior is a choice whether you are heterosexual or homosexual. Natural orientation isn't.

Stuck on a Plane

I don't like flying much. It isn't that I don't like planes, or heights ... I just don't like airlines.

I have just arrived back in San Francisco after spending the night in my own real life homeless experience, sleeping on the floor of the Chicago OHare airport. I should be grateful really. I got to enjoy the beautiful Chicago hospitality after being stuck on a plane for eight hours ... on the tarmac, going NOWHERE. United Airlines Flight UA 907!

During the eight hours on the plane we were given one muesli bar and two cups of water. No mention was made about the availability of food for purchase or otherwise. We did however enjoy the view of the crew eating, drinking coffee and reading magazines. The staff could only be described as cowardly.

Information was given to us in approx. 90 minute intervals. Each time ... the information was more B.S. Yes it was snowing. Yes it was very unlikely we would be flying - but yet they had a full plane held hostage for eight hours.

We were let off the plane at 12.15am and told that customer service would close at 1am ... no time at all to process a plane load of passengers, no time at all to organise food or accommodation. United Airlines, you gutless, cowardly business. We'd never fly you again, but we like you do know we don't really have a choice, because all the airlines suck.

On the bright side ... it was only eight hours and not the eleven experienced by hundreds of Jet Blue passengers just a few weeks ago.

While writing this post I was directed to this letter of complaint written to United Airlines ... not for those with an aversion to strong language or adult concepts.

"I'm looking for a woman who can make me think, make me laugh and make me come."

In the article The 80 per cent relationship, Sam de Brito discusses whether or not settling for an 80% relationship is cause for the carnage of divorce and in true crispy style uses a quotation to justify his position from none other than Meatloaf and his "two out of three ain't bad" philosophy. A funny take on the hunt for the perfect relationship.

My thoughts on the causes of divorce (I've done it a couple of times now) ... working too hard, making love too little and having nothing else in your life than a mortgage, pursuit of middle-class wealth, three hours of TV a night ... and the "Good Weekend" on Saturday mornings.

If you can't be happy together when you have nothing, what makes you think you will be happy together when you have all you thought you wanted?

I want a man who will be just as happy eating a Vegemite sandwich under a tree as he is fine dining in Paris... I may just have found him.

Hidden Lives

What do you do when you are alone?

When was the last time you cried?

Unveil yourself at Hidden Lives

Put down the stones people ... Where were you when God found you?

Christianity by Issues ... doctrine of the modern church. This self-righteous religious, political ranting about homosexuality, abortion, prostitution should be embarrassing to anyone calling themselves a Christian.

Are you somehow more worthy of God's mercy because you are not gay?

Are you somehow more deserving of God's love because you are not a prostitute?

I know "the churched" love 1 Corinthians 6 but I think most stopped reading before getting to the the end of the paragraph.

Verse 9
Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders
Verse 10
nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.
Verse 11
And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

"And that is what some of you were" ... and as the media keeps uncovering everyday "And some still are". Where were you when God found you?

It is only through the blood of Christ and his mercy that any one of us can be right with God. Give mercy ... Get mercy. Judge ... get judged. Put down the stones people.

Jesus Crispies T-Shirt!!

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