Keeping Jesus Company

I spoke on the phone with my daughter today and she said to me "Mummy, you are always with me." I replied with "yes, darling ... in your heart." She responded with "Yes, Mummy, with Jesus. Someone has to keep him company."

Dying from laughter.

All Good Things Come To An End

I was driving my daughter home and we were chatting along and singing along to the radio and generally having a good time. Nelly Furtado's "All good things come to an end" came on the radio and my daughter slumped into state of mellancholy complete with seven year old pout. After some coaxing and ten songs later, she said ... "It is just like that song Mum, all good things come to an end."

I found myself saying that yes that is true, because the cycle of life continues and things have to die before new things can begin. I know I was talking to myself more than to my daughter.

This year past year has been hard, but no more than I allowed. Do all good things come to an end? Only if you think you were meant to have something or someone forever. We can never own another heart or person, but are gifted with a shared journey that gives great strength and encouragement while shining a light on those areas of weakness that need to be dealt with. There is not just "one good thing", thank God, but many.

Are you from the olden days?

Children have a habit of putting you in your place whether you know it or not.

It is school holidays and I am enjoying spending time with my daughter. We were talking about dvds and videos and she commented about how dvds take up less space. I made the mistake of saying that videos were new and wonderful when I was her age. "Mummy, are you from the olden days?" Someone kill me now PLEase!!!

Enjoy your children.

The Dreams You Dare To Live

I have been asked many questions in the past week. Many of those questions resulted in the simple answer of "if you don't ask, you don't get."

If we live our lives determined to avoid pain, heartache and disappointment ... we risk losing the greatest attainment of all ... a life well lived.

"You're only as big as the dreams you dare to live." anonymous.

Some people spend all their life saying if only ... i could have ... i should have ... but then there is you and me. The ones that dare to jump into the fire. The ones that stand up for one more round with the taste of blood in the mouth. The ones that don't quit, don't betray, and in that resilience find the only reward there is ... a life well lived.

When It's Time for a New Beginning

I have been back home visiting my parents. I love being here. It is so quiet and peaceful. My phone doesn't work. My Mum feeds me far too well. My Dad keeps me up talking till all hours of the morning. My Grandmother is a rock.

Mum gave me a card today in light of recent times. Damn it. Tears again.

When It's Time for a New Beginning...

You need faith. That things will be better.
You need strength.
And you'll find it within.
You need patience and persistence.
You need hope, and you need
to keep it close to the centre of
everything that means the most to you.

You need to put things in perspective.
So much of your life lies ahead!
You need to know
how good it can be.
You need to take the best of
what you've learned from the old,
and bring it to the beautiful days
of a new journey.

Life's new beginnings happen for
very special reasons. When it's time
to move on, remember that it
really is okay. Because when a new
beginning unfolds in the story of
your life, you go such a long way
toward making the dreams
of your tomorrows
come true.

Douglas Pagels, Blue Mountain Arts

My Dad, did it again.

Over my lifetime my father and I have been best of friends and adversaries, depending on the point of view.

As we have both grown up, we have greater tolerance of each other and make room for each other.

Dad's new post on his Prodigal Sons, Daughters and Parents blog ... resonates deep. "Just Can't Live Here Any Longer" was a read that left me facing the mirror but more importantly in understanding and ultimately finding forgiveness on both sides. Much love.

Crashing Down

Raven, the tears are sitting right behind your eyes. Why don't you let it go.

Just cry.

I know that it is there, I just can't cry. I don't know what it will take. To finally be in my own space, close the door and breathe long and deep.

What a year. I said goodbye to my husband, my friend. I headed over to the USA and began ... something. It was aborted by circumstances out of my control. Home again. The only thing that made sense. A genuine prodigal return, tail between my legs.

Here now, among friends, the family that love, defend, protect and hold you close while you recover.

My heart can't take too many more beatings. I have quit for a while. All in, all out just isn't working for me.

There is far more grey in this world than we ever care to admit.

Complicated ... well that is normal for me. Oh, there, I can feel the tears ... crashing down.

Worry

I had a few wins today. It was nice, even if late.

I battle anxiety attacks. I literally make myself sick with worry. Brushing my teeth can be an ordeal.

I was sitting in a taxi on my way to meet a day full of appointments, I felt sick. I just wanted to crawl back into my bed, pull the covers over my head and say "get lost" to the world.

My phone rang. I have some good news for you ...

I could have died. All that I had been hoping and praying for realised, and I was still nauseous. Worry is a fruitless pass time. I haven't figured out how to stop it. Any ideas??

Friends

I am a loner much of the time. My friends are generally of the same disposition. We love catching up and sharing time together, but then we are happy to be on our way and do our own thing. What makes friends special is that they don't mind that you need to go walkabout or take a sabbatical. They get it. They can hear not a breath from you in 6-12 months and then still pick up and carry on where you left off. When I am going through stuff,I tend to internalise it. I like to crawl into my cave so to speak and leave the world to continue without me. This week has been huge for me. Change is happening. Change is good, but it isn't without cost. I am so far out of my comfort zone right now, I was so thrilled to receive a phone call from one of my dear friends I haven't seen for over a year, calling because he felt I needed a hug. I so did. Thank you Juddy.

How to eat

There was a chef I loved once.

He taught me to eat. You may scoff at such a necessity, but he truly did.

My parents had sent me to finishing school to learn how to use a knife, fork and place a napkin on my lap.

My chef taught me to taste; to experience food; to close my eyes and just eat without prejudice.

Many people enjoy some of the finest restaurants, but no matter where they are they always order the steak, or the fish, or the chicken.

There is nothing wrong with your choice. Part of being present in the moment is being willing to try new things, new tastes, new experiences. The discovery of Epicurean delights is a taurian paradise.

I am not suggesting that you become Anthony Bourdain.

But I do recommend that if you are ever in Perth ... drop in at Harvest Restaurant, Freemantle.

I'm getting too old for...

listening to people telling me that they are too old for ...

Note to self: stop referencing your age.

I wish I had the luxury you do ...

I am often chided for having the "luxury of time" that others don't. The luxury of having the mid day snooze, the luxury of
having grocery shopping time, the luxury ... of well, everything that REAL working folks don't have.

I am afforded the luxuries of freelancing ... because I DON'T GET PAID each and every week. Get over it. You get to go to the hardware store on weekends and fantasise about your renovation. I get to count my twenty cent pieces and prepare them for banking on Monday.

The myth of freelancing is that it is fun. IT IS FUN. When you get paid.

School Holiday Heaven

It is school holidays and I am spending time with my daughter at my parent's farm. My grandmother was most amused by my daughter stating "GG, I am here to make you happy before you go to heaven!". In that moment, I nearly went to heaven ... I could have died from laughter.

Friendship

When every day ends in a why? What makes the difference between giving up and going on? For me it is those friends that promise nothing and therefore always exceed expectations. The room given to friends allows them to be close enough to give love and encouragement, and far enough away that control dynamics are minimized and objectivity can be introduced and respected rather than being seen as criticism.

I love my girls!

The only kind of pet I should have ...

I have often said that I am not good with anything that breathes ... including plant matter. A girlfriend of mine sent me this little kitty and it is very therapeutic without getting cat hair all over me. Brilliant!

Loneliness and my other friends

My boyfriend lives in San Francisco, my flat mate works till 9pm+ each day, my best girlfriend lives in Melbourne and best male friend lives in Darwin. Others near and dear to me in Canberra, Perth, Brisbane and Adelaide … my family in far west NSW, even my sister on the other side of the bridge gets to be far away in Sydney terms.

We move on. Decided to move.

Selling out the wind

We settle, we sell out everyday. We marry the guy that provides, even though his love and affection fall short. We take the job that pays well but compromises our values. We sit in a pew and abdicate responsibility for our choices and actions because it is easier to listen to someone else tell us what to do than to think, act and carry the consequences of our own actions.

My relationships have been hard, hurtful and disappointing and when none of the above, out of reach.

Much of the pain is that I am the girl that runs on the wind. A spirit free and wanting everything that there is and more … I used to be wide eyed and full of wonder, these days I am sad and lost and haunted by inaction. Giving up and giving over to ‘normal’ life, I often find myself surrendering to the clipping of my wings and the confines of the gilded cage.

While I believe in the choice of happiness, this society celebrates conformity and for those of us that refuse to fall in line, the price is loss that only your heart and soul can measure. What needs to happen? Face what you can't hide!

Other's Misfortune

My Mother is a huge fan of black comedy ... she only ever seems to laugh when someone is getting hurt, funniest home video style.

Sad thing is we often have people that push our buttons and we imagine their misfortune occuring as a result of karmic intervention ... then again you can just act out.

Having fun with someone else's misfortune

Children bring you back to earth.

I've had a huge week emotionally. I feel spent and resigned to crap tv and chunky monkey icecream as my boy would say.

I have my beautiful girl with me this weekend.

My daughter put her head on my lap and as I was stroking her hair I noticed the little nit eggs. My ex has been talking of it for months now and I have never found evidence ... do we will these things upon ourselves? To see the eggs for real is not a difficult exercise ... I just wish that it was easy to describe to a parent experiencing it for the first time.

I was at the chemist trying to determine which nit comb to purchase. Obviously a different one from whatever the ex had used was obvious. There were three other mother's trying to determine the same thing, the seventeen year old assistant wasn't much help.

So we got home after jumping puddles and dodging shopping trolleys. In the bath and the combing begins

A bucketful of Babylon

NOS DA CARIAD, David Gray

One lifetime is long enough

Is long enough to wait

The rain like silver in my ears

Fat nothing on my plate

A bucketful of Babylon

A belly full of hate

Go to sleep my one true love

And may your dreams be sweet

Then we?ll be running

See its face beneath the glass

It murmurs on the breeze

Like a long black Cadillac

It passes ?neath the trees

What is it you?re waiting for?

Sweet love is on its knees

Go to sleep my one true love

And find your heart?s release

Then we?ll be running

Afraid of nothing

Yeah we?ll be running

Silence is golden

Here I am

I ain?t afraid of nothing

Silence is golden

Here I am

The sun above the cotton grass

Is sinking down like lead

The seagulls know the truth of it

And scream it overhead

Hold on to St. Christopher

The sky is murderous red

Go to sleep my one true love

Our glory lies ahead

Then we?ll be running

Afraid of nothing

Then we?ll be running

All wired up in a dawning ray

All wired up in a dawning ray

All wired up in a dawning ray

All wired up in a dawning ray

All that I am, all that I love is in you. Without you there is nothing I want. I live. But I live life a shadow of the person I am when you are beside me.